Baggage

This life is full of a lot of heartache and disappointment. One of the hardest things I have seen people go though is divorce. Not only because two people who use to love each other seem to not be able to work out their differences, but because this split has lasting consequences on each person involved and they may never be able to get over it.

I was reading about step families and the struggles that come when divorced parents remarry. It is hard on the kids, and the the new couple. There is a lot of baggage that then comes to the marriage that needs to be worked though and rarely is. Many people just want to move on and forget about the struggles of the past. But if they do not work though some of these issues and explore this baggage with their new spouse and themselves, they are likely to experience the same problems again.

No fault divorce has made it possible to end a marriage contract with out having to able to the quart about the reasons. This makes legal marriage kind of an interesting idea because the contract cant be broken and there are no promises or covenants being made, so what is the point in entering into a marriage? Perhaps this is why some many people choose not to now. You can exist a contract simply because you were bored. No other contract I know of is ever like this.

I am sorry if me talking about marriage like a contract in anyway makes you feel like I do not think it is beautiful and sacred union. I do believe marriage is so important and something we should strive to enter and be in our whole lives. There is a power that comes from combining our life with someone else, and working though life's challenges at a loved ones side. I just bring up these questions because I am sad at the way marriage is viewed and treated today.

I think that asking ourselves what it really means and why it is important will help us enter into marriages we will strive to stay in. I know that sometimes mistakes are made, and people change, and there really does need to be a divorce, because it is what is best for all the family. But I also read heard from a family therapist, that every divorced family he has ever worked with, that was not dealing with abuse, or neglect, said that they should have and could have worked out their differences and stayed in the marriage. Most people regret divorce.  

I hope that some of the family topics I mentioned in earlier blogs, can help us be more mindful of the work that goes into healthy families. Notice that I did not say happy families. Even the most well functioning families with have hard times, but in thew end their hard work will allow happiness and peace in. Let us all work though our baggage and see look for how we can change, even our attitudes about marriage from the start. My prayer is that marriage becomes more important to each of us individually and as a whole so that we can all have more functional places to call  home, and more support from family in our lives.

Puppies!

This puppy daddy dose a pretty good job at expressing his feelings and needs. He also sets boundaries and freedoms for the puppy so they both benefit :D

Getting a puppy may be a huge adjustment but what about having a baby?

So parenting is one of the hardest most rewarding things in the world. Well actually I wouldn't know, because I am not a parent but I would imagine so. Helping someone learn and grow and seeing it happen, and knowing you had a part in it is one of the greatest joys of this life. 

I recently got to watch some videos about about parenting teenagers, and building heathy relationships. It was a program Active Parenting. What I thought was interesting was that it could have just as well been a relationship, or communications class. It helped you realize that you need to be empathetic and think about the feelings and thoughts of your children. 

As we provide them with opportunities to make decisions and discuss issues with us we will be better able to help our children grow. I learned that when things are expressed with warms and firmness, it can be an expression of love and confidence. 

This patten helps the parent and the child be clear in their communication, and expressions. We should show our children respect as human beings, ask their thoughts, feelings, opinions and Ideas. I know that if I keep that in mind I will be a better parent , because I wont be struggling for power, but promoting peace. It will be hard but look at how happy that puppy makes this guy! I know my future children be a huge blessing, and I can show my gratitude for them by taking good care of them :D  

Its not about the MONEY??.....

I have heard that one of the biggest reasons that devoice happens is because of arguments concerning money. This is very very sad. I use to just think that it was because people where too materialistic, but the sad truth is that we need money to live, and sustain ourselves. So if it was being used unwisely that could cause huge problems. So How can we be wise in our money spending? What are some ways we can fix these problems now or prepare/prevent future trials?

As I was contemplating this I was thinking about the ways that I spend money. I was also thinking about how carefully my parents spent money and when I used their money. They would carefully discuss large purchases, and bills. I know this is a patten that I want to follow. I think it shows respect to your partner, and that providing for your family is a joint effort.

I also was recently talking in my Family relations class about some of the skills and talents that come into a marriage and how they help with organization, finances and over all function of home. Some of the skills I  wrote down that I think would help a family are Cooking, Cleaning Auto, House care, exercise, Health, Money management, Gardening, sewing, haircuts, laundry, relationships/phycology and childcare/parenting. I know that I can not be a master in all of these things but learning these things with your spouse, Could have some amazing benefits such as

* Save Money: Fix it yourself
*Time Together: Work together, Learn together, Have Fun together.
*Be self Sufficient : Self Sufficiency has been proven to make people feel more happy and satisfied with their lives.
*Continue Education: learning new things also helps with overall happiness.
*Prepare for the Future :The more knowledge you have the more prepared you are to take on life's challenges.

In the end perhaps its not all about the money but the resources you have, or gain, and how you use them to benefit your family. Money is just one of those resources, but you can use your skills and talents to help with money and other stuggles. I know that I am going to start not just considering what these skills are but how I can gain them now, and during a marriage :)

I can learn to do it! 

If we lift and pull together we can help each Climb!!!

"Pull it together we can work it out!" 

When we got problems and troubles we can work it out with our families! But this is not going to happen Naturally, it needs effort and work. This work comes from one of the things that takes patience, love, understanding, and learning. COMMUNICATION!!! Many people would say that bad communication is the poison of relationships. And they would be right, but how do we improve this? 

I have been learning lot lately from the studies of Brene Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work. She works mostly in a greater understanding of Shame and Vulnerability.  I was starting to understand that there is a lack of wanting to be open, that keeps us from connecting. After all the goal of communication should be to connect. Whether it is ideas, feelings, stories, or beliefs, we want to connect over them. 

We are afraid of looking weak or seeming being vulnerable so we don't communicate theses feelings and then we can not connect. This disconnection then leads to poor, dying, relationships. Like many things, knowing, is one of the first steps to changing this. When trying to communicate, are we holding back to protect ourselves?

I love this video about how to connect though empathy. I think it clearly demonstrates not only how to listen, but how to help those we love, and become the kind of friends, siblings and spouses, who can be trusted with the information we want to share and communicate. When we are communicating in this way we are counseling together, and building each other.

We also have to strive to discover what channels we are using to communicate. There are so many more then just talking. So figure out how you communicate, and how you can do so better, or use different channels that work with your loved ones understanding. Also be sure to use good communication tools, and questions like "Am I understanding you correctly". 

If we learn to problem solve, council and communicate, we will better be able to connect! So we can be better able to LOVE!!! 

Under Pressure!

I think most people would say that Ideally it is our family that is there for us during the hard times. When life gets hard and trials come we want to be able to turn to family and loved ones. However many of us when find ourselves fleeing when we spot of conflict or struggles. How often do we see friends and loved ones not working things out with theirs families. They say things like " If it was 'meant to be' then it would not be this hard".  Often blame is sought after, even in the case of things out of anyones control. 

Stress, crisis, trial, and problems. All of these things come in everyday life and especially in family life. I would even say that all our struggles are a FAMILY affair. We need to work things out together. We prepare for problems by doing what I wrote about in the last post, becoming strong, close and intimate with our Family members. 

There is another aspect of struggles that I came to better understand though recently. All most every couple that has been married for many many many years, say that their favorite times of there marriage where the times that things where hard. They had to work things out and make changes, no matter what kind of struggle, it helped them grow closer! So it was the stresses and pressures that strengthened them and helped them get though the trial. 

So I hope I can remember that in my relationships. Hard times can either make them stronger or help them fall apart. Sometimes things are even better under PRESSURE!! So be grateful for not "Problems" but " Opportunities"! 

   

Are we close?

So here is another post where I am going to start by defining a word and then talking about what I have been learning about it.

Intimate: Closely aquatinted, familiar or close, Private or Personal, detailed or thorough. (Google)

So what is intimacy, and why is it so important in a marriage. With so much social media there are very few, personal and private experiences. Some precious moments are not experienced but just  recorded and shared with the world. So then how do you become close to someone?

When I think of a close friend I think of someone you can count on. Someone who cares about you, and someone who knows you. Someone you can trust, and you can share special ties and moments with, who you have gone though hard, and good times with, and is there for it all.

Intimacy is crucial in a marriage we need this closeness and bond in order to get though hard times. But it does not happen "Naturally". Like I mentioned in my last post love is a choice, just as much as it is a feeling. So intimacy happens when we make an effort to do all we can to be close.

So marriage is one of the most amazing opportunities to fill our natural need for intimate relationships. Rarely have I met someone that was upset that they had close friends and family members. They can cause a lot of heart ache sometimes, but they are also the cause of our greatest joys and experiences.

So why is this sometimes not enough? Why do we seek to bond with others emotionally? I mentioned earlier that social media causes us to have a strange type of closeness with people we are not around. I also have heard that it causes or contributes to emotional and sometimes physical infidelity in marriages.

In our need to "connect" with others though the internet are we disconnecting with those who deserve our attention and intimacy. Are we letting them be enough in our lives, are we killing our own intimacy by sharing too much with too many? One example is Sex. I feel that sexual intimacy should only be shared in marriage. This is not popular today because of the sexual revolution, but I believe sex is a connection of body and spirit, and if we should share anything with just one person I think it should be that.

There is also an some emotional connections that should not be had with someone of the opposite sex after you are married. I think that some things should just be kept "Closely aquatinted, familiar or close, Private or Personal" Intimate. And this comes from making the choice to have certain things be just that. Can we choose closeness to those who matter most, instead of the internet or world at large? Can we have certain things be only between family?

 I think we should ask ourselves "What can I do to create closeness with my loved ones?" and "What things are preventing this closeness from happening?" All around I think intimacy is dying despite us having so many channels to connect, and I want to evaluate what habits I have, that would effect the relationships that matter most. I can beat this trend, and I am inviting you to fight it with me.

We can be close! We can Connect! We can save intimacy! We and have meaningful relationships! We do not need to be Zombies!

 

Lot to Learn

Is Love Natural? Does it just happen? Is it really something we "Fall into?" If we marry "For Love" does that guarantee it will last? I will not argue that it is easier to love people that we like! But do we even like everyone all the time? So why do break ups and divorces happen? If it all comes Naturally?

 I think we all like to believe in Soul mates and Marriage is a way of celebrating when we find that one person that we love most! But I'm not sure its that simple. So Ok we did it! We found someone we love and BONUS.. They Love us too!!!! So now we are planning the wedding, Trying to figure out how to fit our lives together and how to become one Right?  It should not be hard. I mean your family loves them, their family loves you, you have tons of money, you love all the same things, you want the same amount of kids, you have the same religious and political views, and you agree on everything so its all gonna be so great!  

If that is true for you, wow life is gonna be pretty easy! The other 100% of us have to work things out. But why is it important to work things out if love is enough? I have recently been learning this valuable lesson in life. Love is a choice, and a Verb! It is something we choose to do! So when we are transitioning into a marriage and family life we need to be prepared to sacrifice, change and Work together to keep those feelings of love and Joy alive! 

There are so many factors that can help you better the prepare for marriage, weather its things you do with your fiancee or you are doing on your own. The things I mentioned above need to be worked out and there many different ways of resolving those differences. I think that if we keep in mind that we do need to work things out, and are willing to, then we have a lot of Love and happiness to look forward to! After all even after we think we have "Fallen in Love" We will still have a lot to learn, if we are going to stay together! :D

""Cause love doesn't last by coincidence, Choice makes all the difference. And if that's the truth, I've got a lot to learn. We’ve still got a lot to learn about LOVE”